The fallen

There comes a day every year where we stop for a moment. A smooth chill runs down our spine, our arms tingle and our legs shiver just a little. Even if it’s just for a moment it’s a signal, like a huge red flare, but not as warm, it’s telling us to close the window slip into a warm cosy old jumper that smells just like last winter. And as we close the window, we bring to a close much more than just a window. We look out amongst the grass, the trees, the odd buttercup still alive. We look at the sky still bright blue with a few billowing clouds and the sun easing in and out, brightening and darkening our day. And as we fasten the window shut, the wind pounces once more and one leaf disconnects and falls in the dead wind to the floor. It pronounces the most special time of year, when London becomes beautiful again, that time of glistening sun and chilling winds, the leaves pile up in the dashing red colours and you realise to yourself that a whole year has passed. Once again it’s autumn.

This is normally a blog of indecisive and continuous questioning. I often question the way things are, the way things ought to be. I often question the future, the past and most notably the present. But turning 20 almost 2 months ago has had a strange effect on me. I’ve stopped questioning and started listening. I’ve stopped worrying and started starting. I realised something, that life isn’t about questioning or delivering answers even though we seek them so much, but it’s about doing it your way. Life shouldn’t be a destination but a journey, it should have up and downs. It should be difficult because challenges are where we, as humans, thrive and always have done. I have had a difficult session of seasons the autumn brought me down, the winter kept me there, the spring brought me hope and the summer brought me back. Last year was a difficult for everyone I know, it made us question ourselves, even people who’ve never questioned before. The last year has taught us all a lesson, that life really is too short and it’s not just a saying.

I write today happier than I can remember, my head is clearer than it’s ever been. My path is laid out before me, I know where I’m going and yet I still know from plenty of experience that it doesn’t take a lot to turn it all around. I know that when things are up they can’t stay there and I wouldn’t let myself believe it for a second. This may not be the dreamworld that we always hoped for, but it’s as close as we’re going to get. And nothing can stop us from keeping on dreaming.

The seasons are changing, the temperature too. But I know that everything’s going to be OK because I’ve been here before. The people may be different but the surroundings are the same. And my window may well be closed but my door is always open.

20.Twenty.

Sometimes in life when you've reached the end of an era you look back and try to decipher what's changed. You can get caught up trying to see where it all went wrong. You find yourself lonely and worried that you may have lost people and even more worrying; that you drove them away. You question every little detail and as one part of your life prospers your social life diminishes and the weekend no longer becomes something to look forward to but instead just another day. How did you get here? What point did it start going wrong? And now were here what are the options?

When you find that you've grown apart from people and developed yourself into someone that people stop liking and begin loathing you can't help but worry that you've changed for the worse. And even worse you didn't notice. For a long period I found myself battling to communicate with people. My phone fell silent, my worries began, and I questioned what was wrong with people. I should of asked 'what was wrong with me?'

There are always times, low points, where issues arise and you come out worse. You miss a grade and waste a year. You miss a year and waste a life. Your life. Panic develops and you start to call people, you start to need a fresh start, you begin building from the bottom up, and what you soon realise is that people have moved on. They never waited for you, and why should they. This road is long and winding and to stop, and help someone may be honourable, but sensible? They've reached a social paradise that you want to be in and you immediately try to become a part of it. You try to get your friendship back to how it used to be, the chats, the honesty, the reliance on eachother. What you always took for granted and one day went to lean on and found they weren't around to be leant on.

It's funny that a week can change everything. That a number, an age can suddenly make us see everything clearly. 20 years old with twenty-twenty vision. You realise the people that are there for you and you begin to understand that while you were lonely and seperated, there were always people there, willing to help, you just closed yourself off so much you never noticed the people keeping you up. And in one day, or at least one night all the worries go away.

In life there are many options, obstacles, open doors, and ongoing problems. But we can avoid these things affecting us, we have to accept that they will always be there, they will always rip out our hearts and stamp on our energy if we let them. It's easy to say 'stop letting it bother you' but when your as impatient as I am and you've been waiting and waiting at a crossroad of your life for over a year you can't help but enter a dark place. But patience is a virtue, and while it might not always get us where we need to be on time, it does get us there alot happier. And friendships help too. They can make the road smoother, they can guide us, and remind us of who we are. And sometimes it only takes a birthday card to remind us who we are, of a happier time. When problems were not our own.

It seems the older we get the wiser we are. I've learnt alot over the past year, and learnt everything I know now as a teenager. It scares me a little to think of what I don't know now and what I'll know in ten years time. But that's the journey we all have to take. I also learnt this, that we can get caught up looking back, trying to make things the way they were, trying to subtly make our way back in without being noticed. But you simply can't. The world is a fast moving place and I don't question it's speed for a second. But I do know that while you can't go back, you can get forward, and were not in the same place we were a year/ two years ago and we never will be again, but we had reached a new place. One for the future, one that I know will go a long way. Maybe even another 10 years.

Happy Birthday Me!

The Power of the Vote

In a political climate like the one in Britain this week the respect of the benches of Westminster have been flipped on their head. Britain has lost all trust in the very house that governs it. It appears that the money we gave them went over and above the duty not in a way to supersede their responsibility but to undermine it and create a new age of politics appearing from the shadows.

It took a hefty amount of days for the Prime Minister to say “sorry,” a simple word but one that is considered political suicide. Admission of fault, confessing our wrongdoing and giving some return, if only little, on our previous actions. So why is it so hard? And we don’t only find this in politics; across the board from relationships and friendships there are people everywhere avoiding what seems to be the most difficult word, when in reality it’s truthful, honest and dignified. We have to wonder why sorry seems to be the hardest word?

Everyday across the world sorry is said in many languages, “Desole”, “Lo Siento,” “Entschuldigung,” easy enough to say but in context why do they become unbearable. Why do they possess the connotations of instability and dishonour. Surely as a friend, as a boyfriend or girlfriend, or as a member of the public it would be in our interests to just know the truth.

If the truth provokes anger then are we in the right mind to make a judgement call on our next action. Do we act irrationally? Or does the truth give us a new perspective?

I don’t believe though, that ultimately, it’s the “sorry” that we’re seeking. The sorry as an admission of fault does provide instability and starts to make us insecure of our judgements. What we’re really seeking is a new direction. A better person to fill the post of friend, partner or even Prime Minister.

Even when we get the sorry the damage is done, and sorry being delayed further makes the damage explosive. But still the damage is done. Try a change. A new direction, a new start. Because if we continue saying sorry all our lives then how we can ever know if we’re forgiven. The problem will always be looming, the name of the person you cheated with, the word ‘expenses’ will always crop up and then… an awkward silence. If we don’t wipe the plate, if we don’t start a fresh we can never start over. And we live dragging our ball and chain forever.

And that’s probably why we find it so hard to say sorry; because we know the other party will just walk away. They will find someone else to date, find a new group of friends, or vote for the opposition. And if we don't want to have to say sorry, then there's one simple solution: avoid doing something wrong in the first place.

And then we realise what we can do, we don’t need an apology to move on, we don’t need to wait for them to realise their wrongdoing. We can vote them out, we can move on. Because if someone else has to say sorry then you know you have the power.

So in reality, sorry isn’t the hardest word. Goodbye is. And it’s not them who have the choice of that word. You do. Use it wisely.

Always the real thing?

In the never-ending world of disappointments, discontinuity and discerning tastes that are ever changing how can we become that what we are. How can we speak up and be heard? How can our dreams be achieved? How can that which once hindered us be made into that that helps us?

We may have all have a dream but it takes someone strong and challenging to make that dream a reality. It takes a chance and often a hell ‘a lot of courage to take the bold step from introvert to the extrovert. From something we do only in hiding to flip reverse the status quo and create ourselves a new status. A new beginning. A new us. But how we can convince ourselves if we can’t convince the people who care for us and guide us? We have to wonder who is wrong? Is our heart misleading us, or our misguided by another with “our best interests at heart?”

In the confusing and difficult arena that is the teenage years we find ourselves questioning our beliefs, our instincts and our hearts. But are these questions of disbelief or belief? Are we questioning ourselves because we have to at this stage or because if we don’t we won’t realise who we are, and ultimately who we will be.

What is it about the teenage years, where the questions just keep flowing and even after answering all of them we find we’ve developed more questions than we have answered. Is this sustainable and does it continue? You see more questions! And as we approach the milestone where we leave our teens behind and it appears that maybe all our questions come to close we begin developing bigger problems, ones that we put aside a year or so ago and have since snowballed without us knowing. We question our future and whether we will be accepted. We question our past and whether we did all we could. And we question our present and wonder, are we where we’re supposed to be?

Why does it take a movie or a musical to bring up the emotion to make us realise what our questions are? Why do lose our footing every so often and then take so long to realise were falling? Why can’t the people around support us for who we are not who they want us to be? I sit and wonder when someone will come and take me out this black hole. Or can I bring myself out of it, all by myself? Ye it’s been done but when you’ve been hit by every blow, shot down at every fence how can we really dust ourselves off and get up with out a supporting hand? Surely it’s just not possible.

In the past couple weeks I’ve put myself in a dangerous position, secluded, removed and away. Maybe it’s my own fault that I find myself so far from reality. Maybe it’s my fault that there’s little energy I have to go on. There’s no one to talk to, no one to share with. But I find that it’s only in the down points of my life that I learn lessons. That it’s only when we find ourselves asking questions do realise our answers. So maybe it’s key to ask as many questions as possible. If we can get all the answers as soon as possible then maybe we can retire into real life sooner than everyone else.

As a cancer sign, I just realised that the past paragraph is just description of who I am. Maybe, as a crab, I’ll always retreat to my shell. Maybe we have to escape reality sometimes. Because reality is harsh and not always easy. It causes pain and tears. When our friends become distant we have to talk. If the reason isn’t geographical then what is it?

So is it wise to trust ourselves or trust those around us? Do we play it safe or dare to dream? Playing it safe may be sensible but does it make good sense in the long run? Every now and then we must jump the rope to realise what’s on the other side. Sometimes we’ll jump right back over and run home to those that warned us. But life is all about lessons. And there’s no better lesson learnt that the one we learn ourselves. In the end times change and people change, and even if they don’t believe, we have to. Because with it is who we are. And we find in ourselves someone who will make our dream a reality.

And the winner isn't...

What are we waiting for? This is the question that plagues so many, in life we tend to dither and delay, and in London it’s common practice for delays. A train, airports, taxis, buses and finally people. In fact, we actually expect a delay. Is this the secret to waiting? If we expect something to be late then we can be pleasantly surprised when it turns up early, or just have our expectations met. But however, it’s not that simple. In life there are different people going different speeds demanding different requirements. Expectations vary, as do tempers. What if we’re waiting for something but not doing anything to chase it up? What if we’re asking no questions, can we expect no answers? Millions ask everyday, “when is my big break?”

In the devilish field of Hollywood and the bursting cauldron of aspiring actors the questions arises daily. When will the evil beast pluck them from the pot and place them on a star in Hollywood Boulevard? It comes down to a problem of chance. The problem of probability. It is however, not an easy equation to develop. It depends on exposure, looks, and actual real talent. All of which cannot be measured in centimetres and litres. What if you have 2 out of the 3 and you cannot find anyone to help you with the third. That is if the third can be helped! I talk of exposure.

In life, we all dream, we live in hope of something better and something achievable but at a stretch; because if it were easy we wouldn’t have to dream. But why is it always so far away? Why does it feel like a way to road where it lives? And why does it start looking like it’s not worthwhile?

If in life we are all waiting for something, however big it may be, then we also have question, rather not when but if it will come? It is this question, which scares us. It is this one that shakes our beliefs and it is this one that we put off and put off and put off. But the question we should really ask is not if it’s coming but if it’s attainable? If the answer is yes, then it’s coming. And if it’s no, then its coming, but you’re not trying hard enough.

Whether we’re waiting for a new job, a new home, a new baby, or just news, we all face the same anticipation. So do we lower our expectations to increase our chances? Or do we follow practice and maintain our standards? This is choice that can only be taken individually. But it is an age-old question found mainly in a conversation involving men and dating.

Sometimes there are those who know something bad is coming soon and don’t know when. A dark cloud that looms over the horizon and develops slowly. This type of event we don’t anticipate and never expect and this is when expecting the unexpected gets unexpected. Because just as fast as life comes in, it goes out. The candle fades and all that we leave is the misty smoke of our memory to linger.

And just like that, I realised. We don’t get nowhere by dreaming. But chasing.

Because your big break is precisely that, ‘your’ big break. And it’s up to you when it is.

P.S. Apologies on the almost 2 month gap with nothing! Time flies when your having fun.

How safe is a bolt?

When we have built stability underneath us and it feels as if we can move again from the position we have been in for at least 5 years, we start to develop an understanding and a perspective of where other people are at. We begin to recognise that people are excelling in areas, lacking in others, and finally we realise those who are stuck. But despite being in their shoes once and realising their problems, we start to confuse ourselves, how can we help these people? No one helped us and we recovered. And, while we want to help these people, how can we? Are words enough? What are the questions we ask them to ask themselves? And can we? Are we really that stable? That age old question keeps popping up, should we run before we can walk?

Walking down the street, there are some who expel an exuberance of performance and happiness. But what we really see is a front. I know, because I believe I give that signal. But inside I’m still really a mess. The mind is not as chaotic as it once were but still would look like a disorganised office if were in a real form. My mind lays everywhere and nowhere all at once. It expands vast knowledge and still stumbles over the smallest of hurdles. My mind runs but still hasn’t ever learned to walk, often looked upon as a final opinion and deciding eye I have to wonder, in this state can it really be that bad?

But how can help those who are stuck? How do get them moving again, and, is that for anyone else but themselves to do? When people are crying out for help and have it plastered all around them how do we step in and get them to step out? The first step, on this long walk is to walk. Not to run, because to rush recovery only extends it. No recovery can be rushed, not even economic recovery but that is a lesson that the government will learn one day not too soon. Letting a problem out can be the best remedy, a problem shared isn’t a problem halved, but divided by a number far greater than 2. It is the beginning of the end of every problem. And despite this being the difficult part, it is the mountain that will rush all recovery. But, cautions do arise, we must be very careful with those who we inform because even the nicest people may use knowledge of your problem to themselves excel. It is something difficult to realise, but trust is an investment of mental currency. And you wouldn’t gamble a thousand out of your wallet so why gamble it out of your mouth.

But then we question how far do we help? Do we go all the way or does that provide a false sense of security and inevitably lead to your presence being accustomed to? Sometimes its best to take a step back, because when they learn to walk and run, we let them ride alone. Stabilisers do help but even they must be removed. Independence will return and self-development will be reignited. Trust and beliefs are redeveloped and colour returns to the trees, and the world. But while were watching the other person develop and take a stand, we must beware. Because the last thing we need is to be sitting still on the road, and before we know it we’re stuck again and who knows if anyone’s coming back for us. So make sure the colour is there before we get in too deep, because otherwise the sight may disappear altogether.

Selfishness is something that is frowned upon, but ultimately we must all do it to survive. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t help those in need, because we should, but what I’m saying is that we shouldn’t get ourselves so involved that we start developing the same problems. We all have issues and we can’t have a day where there are none because those days are called early teens, and them days are long gone. We shouldn’t try and escape but instead deal with them as they come; it’s efficient and sensible. But we never have enough to solve them all so messy offices are not uncommon. But this is a new year, a new opportunity and a new energy over us we can develop a new stability. But stability is something only we can know however don’t underestimate it, because in moment a bolt can break, and you can then neither walk nor run.

Happy New Year!

The fallacy of trust

For some people entering unknown territory is very scary, we don’t know what to expect and are worried what the other parties may think or do. Some are bothered but take the risk anyway because we put on a brave front, and then there are those that go all out opening new doors and letting ourselves into new situations without a care. But how safe is it to not worry? Is it sensible to forget everything our mothers taught us? But they did tell us only to cross the road with the walk sign and yet how many of us do? Taking a little risk can pay off big sometimes, but sometimes can leave us penniless with a little pain a lot less dignity. Recently I found myself lost in a place I thought was home. We have to wonder when is our trust ever wisely invested?

It seems that when we go seeking things that are fake it is only fair that we stumble across fake people. But when we go looking for this, we become false to ourselves. We invest a lot of trust in the people that are helping us, but in the end the money means more to them than your trust. We have to realise when it is sensible to put our trust on the table when the opposite player holds the upper hand. In the safest environments we can be tricked into losing everything we have, because we are lured into a false sense of security. What we don’t realise is that fake people are surrounded by more fake people whom all are in the same game, and so even the safest environments are never secure.

There comes a time when we question our beliefs, we wonder who to put our trust in; ourselves, or others who have our best interests at heart. Sometimes though we don’t know what is best for ourselves because we don’t feel that close to anything in particular. We have no preference so we have no idea. Sometimes we are just worried about what others will think, and are more concerned for their thoughts than for our own. But we have to look inside ourselves, listen to ourselves and know exactly who we are. If we do we’ll find our security and then we can place our trust, unforgivingly, in all the right places.

But who are these other people to judge us, they make choices just like us; they make decisions like we do. They make bad ones as well, but we don’t hold them to it, so why do they us? They may say things about us, to our face or not, we hear them but we shouldn’t let it bother us too much. After all we are our own person, we know what we are and even if they are right it is completely our choice to live a lie if we have too. And if we do then what they say can be nothing more than rumours.

We find comfort sometimes from small things, familiar faces, familiar places and voices, and sometimes just being told that a friend enjoys your company can mean so much. It means that you hold a special place in someone’s life, that you do have meaning, purpose and presence. Not everyone has that. We all have our issues and problems and some let them get to us. But we shouldn’t because life is just a continuation of problems, one after the other, small ones, and big ones. Ones that have lasting effects. We don’t know what magic tomorrow will bring, we don’t know if dreams will be reached or whether more setbacks will be caused, but at this time of year we have more hope than ever. All the movies prove that dreams do come true, even if it is all a bit Disney.

Love yourself, love your friends and listen to who you are not what other people want you to be. Be the person you always dreamed of being. Take a chance, drop a line, prove people wrong. Trust yourself. But there is one rule our mothers gave us we must never forget, never trust a stranger. Because like the roads, they’re all different and in one swift move we can lose it all.

Merry Christmas.