The fallacy of trust

For some people entering unknown territory is very scary, we don’t know what to expect and are worried what the other parties may think or do. Some are bothered but take the risk anyway because we put on a brave front, and then there are those that go all out opening new doors and letting ourselves into new situations without a care. But how safe is it to not worry? Is it sensible to forget everything our mothers taught us? But they did tell us only to cross the road with the walk sign and yet how many of us do? Taking a little risk can pay off big sometimes, but sometimes can leave us penniless with a little pain a lot less dignity. Recently I found myself lost in a place I thought was home. We have to wonder when is our trust ever wisely invested?

It seems that when we go seeking things that are fake it is only fair that we stumble across fake people. But when we go looking for this, we become false to ourselves. We invest a lot of trust in the people that are helping us, but in the end the money means more to them than your trust. We have to realise when it is sensible to put our trust on the table when the opposite player holds the upper hand. In the safest environments we can be tricked into losing everything we have, because we are lured into a false sense of security. What we don’t realise is that fake people are surrounded by more fake people whom all are in the same game, and so even the safest environments are never secure.

There comes a time when we question our beliefs, we wonder who to put our trust in; ourselves, or others who have our best interests at heart. Sometimes though we don’t know what is best for ourselves because we don’t feel that close to anything in particular. We have no preference so we have no idea. Sometimes we are just worried about what others will think, and are more concerned for their thoughts than for our own. But we have to look inside ourselves, listen to ourselves and know exactly who we are. If we do we’ll find our security and then we can place our trust, unforgivingly, in all the right places.

But who are these other people to judge us, they make choices just like us; they make decisions like we do. They make bad ones as well, but we don’t hold them to it, so why do they us? They may say things about us, to our face or not, we hear them but we shouldn’t let it bother us too much. After all we are our own person, we know what we are and even if they are right it is completely our choice to live a lie if we have too. And if we do then what they say can be nothing more than rumours.

We find comfort sometimes from small things, familiar faces, familiar places and voices, and sometimes just being told that a friend enjoys your company can mean so much. It means that you hold a special place in someone’s life, that you do have meaning, purpose and presence. Not everyone has that. We all have our issues and problems and some let them get to us. But we shouldn’t because life is just a continuation of problems, one after the other, small ones, and big ones. Ones that have lasting effects. We don’t know what magic tomorrow will bring, we don’t know if dreams will be reached or whether more setbacks will be caused, but at this time of year we have more hope than ever. All the movies prove that dreams do come true, even if it is all a bit Disney.

Love yourself, love your friends and listen to who you are not what other people want you to be. Be the person you always dreamed of being. Take a chance, drop a line, prove people wrong. Trust yourself. But there is one rule our mothers gave us we must never forget, never trust a stranger. Because like the roads, they’re all different and in one swift move we can lose it all.

Merry Christmas.

2008… 09... 10 … 11

We have to sometimes sadly accept that we cannot default time. We cannot speed it up, slow it down, or stop it. We cannot travel through it; we are ultimately all victims of time. Whether its the trains and planes that don’t wait for us, the queuing at Christmas or just the need to stop, take a break, and breathe. Time marches onwards and we have to make the most of every second. Sometimes though we can inadvertently waste time, we can skip a class and end up missing a year, we can miss a train and end up ruining a Christmas, or we can find something out early that makes the clock more real than ever. Ultimately we are not servants of a God, or a King, or a President. Because even they are servants of that great mystery, that law that we cannot help but abide by; a law unto itself. Time. But we have to wonder can we make up for lost time and end up where we should be?

When you realise finally that your clock is ticking, and you hear it louder than ever, there are mixed emotions. A part of you regrets that which has been and gone and which could have changed everything, there is a part that looks forward to every day from here until ‘that day.’ But the most promising of times is the time you realise that time is happening. There isn’t a moment to spare. People are always assuming they will be forever; they will remain and see their children grow, marry and have children of their own. But life isn’t always straightforward there are unforeseen complications, bends in the road that we never saw. But how is it that we overcome these, and what if its too late to turn back?

If we miss such a monumental amount of time, like a year, and waste it can we ever get it back? Can we possibly make up a whole year? And why did it take us a year to realise that that was wasted? Sometimes we are so busy watching the destination that we don’t realise we enter a dead end. The roads of London are tricky, hard to remember, not in any order and full of restrictions, humps, legislation, charges, and endless signage. And like the roads of London, the roads of life represent similar qualities and if you’re not watching your back all the time then you could miss something and end up with a problem in the post. We can appeal, but most of us don’t. Even if we do though, we can’t always win, despite the stories we make, the lies we make up and make up we hide behind.

Missing out isn’t always the worst option, if you make the most of what you’ve got. After all, we only realise time if we have a deadline, and if we have a year to do as we please then the deadline disappears and the year becomes the break, the slow down. And if we’ve been 100 mph for the past 15 years isn’t about time we stopped for a moment. After all, if we leave temporarily and realise we made a wrong move, we can always return. Because we make the life we live and we still have choices. We can return, there may be new people to get to know, new places that have risen, new friendships formed and old ones broken. We may get a new address, a new telephone number, but even with all this change, with all these differences, time is still going, just as slow, and just as fast as it was before.

So can we can make up for lost time? No. Lost time stays lost but every second is still ticking, new problems are arising, old problems may crop up again. But it still keeps ticking. We continue on our path, we follow our souls and our dreams. But time keeps ticking. We speed up our reality, but seconds stay the same. Priorities change, as do we. And time goes on ticking. You see, if we can keep the eye on the road ahead then we may realise soon enough the problems coming, and solve them efficiently. But if we have to turn back, then take one thing, experience, and learn the lesson and then the time would not be lost. Because despite the delay that’s not to say that our plane won’t make it all the way. But make the most of the journey back because time… is still ticking.

Happily Diverted

Sometimes on this journey we call life things happen that we don’t expect or can’t explain, but they happen. It seems a lot of the time these surprises are scary and can be harmful but there do come occasions where the surprises can shock us back into reality. They say that hiccups can be cured by a scare. We don’t aim to explain why this is the case or even to argue that this IS the case because it might not be, but we just agree with it, go along with it, because it costs nothing to do so. When you’re on a journey and you get diverted sometimes the diversion can be helpful, sometimes it ends up being the best option. We have to wonder, is something like a diversion as bad as it sounds?

When you hear the word, you assume a time consuming journey, problems, traffic, and confused people all around. But is this the case? Sometimes diversions are a hassle, but they can only be a problem if we let them. Diversions can help us take in more experience, better judgements, and help us see more of the world we know so little about. Diversions are like the little bit knowledge we wish we had but never knew how to get it. They give us new opportunities, because simple people like us stick to simple routines, the same way to work, the same way to school, the roads we use all the time because we know no other way. But getting lost can sometimes make us realise where we are.

In this weeks big news, where the government has chosen to blow it’s budget beyond all recognition and double national debt to get us out of recession quickly it makes me wonder what can be so bad. In one of my first posts I wrote that a recession probably isn’t that bad at all, we all need to hit rock bottom so we can bounce back. Often its best to let our emotions contract and become a recession; and become a depression, so that we can realise what happiness is. If we were happy all the time we would start to lose confidence in what happiness was. Just like the economy works in peaks and troughs, booms and busts, we work that way too. Because without them we wouldn’t know who we were. And for Gordon Brown to have suggested it could be abolished, well that just makes no sense at all.

But aren’t these government measures just diversion tactics, remember an election is due soon. We cannot tell the result of this diversion, its too early to know, but wherever we end up, however big the gamble we play, however new the gamble is, we know one thing, that we have a destination. But that’s the other problem, we don’t know where we’re going.

When we hear the announcement that the bus is being diverted we hear the many moans and groans of our fellow passengers, and hell, we even give a go ourselves sometimes. But the trick is to know where you’re going, without that you’re just a lost soul. If we play our cards right and ride out the diversion we may end up getting home faster than before. And that’s not that bad at all.

For the past couple of months, maybe even since the second ever post I made, this blog has been a session of depression in my life. Its been a long one, its been hard, and has caused many problems along the way. Issues have arisen, people have come and gone, I’ve been back and forth, changes have been made, and delays have been caused. But. Where there occurs a recession, there occurs hope at the end of it. In all my previous posts hope has been a supporting pillar in the centre of them, that one day things may change. Who knew that all it would take was a simple diversion to make me smile unconditionally. Who realised that having it all isn’t material at all, because sometimes all we need is a good sleep, a good dream and at the end of it we awake a new person, a new day, a new life.

Today, is that day.


Thankyou for listening.

Life at the end of the rainbow

London is probably the worst weathered city of the world. Its sunny skies can turn to traitorous rain in minutes, its clouds can sit and loom all day or the sun can deliver unbearable temperatures. A city of mixed fortunes. It’s true, that when the British have nothing to talk about they automatically talk about the weather. It’s the conversation starter that can build friendships, and even successful marriages. The strange thing is that we talk about it like it’s a surprise, as if we had no way of possibly knowing the weather, when in fact, we can find out next weeks forecast almost immediately. However, how believable is it? And in life can we expect the same? If we could have a snapshot of our future, how reliable would it be? We have to wonder, can we rely on the weatherman, or is he our fair weather friend?

The clouds can be a good indicator of how we feel, the weather can directly affect our mood, and according to the star signs the moon and the sun can be great indicators of our future. So why then, is it that many reject this important method of prediction for our lives? The sky, the weather, everything we don’t seem to understand fully makes up the path of our life. Should that be a question or a statement? You see it’s easy to make the questions, but are these the things can really deliver the answers?

When the sky rains on your parade, the weather changes your plans and often slows you down; who is to blame? Walk along Oxford Street on a wet day and you will see the umbrellas out in full force. But, in life, do we have umbrellas when things go bad? What are our safety nets? How do we protect ourselves from the bad and make it safely to dry land? There are people in our lives who try to bare the brunt of the weather for us, protect us, and become our human shield. In return we do it for them and others; at least a friend would. But they cannot protect us forever, and sometimes we give up protecting them. Things change, umbrellas weaken and break, new ones are purchased. So if we lose our umbrella is it only our own fault if we get pissed on?

We cannot befriend everyone forever, and with broken friendships comes broken bonds. The mud may get thick, and the buckets of knowledge may spill. But we continue down this road. When we break relationships it cannot always be easy and we are bound to feel the rain. But where is the dry land? Will there even be any? The weather, thankfully, moves faster than we do, and so moves on pretty fast. The clouds may follow for some time to come but they do break and sometimes even in the deadliest of storms there comes a rainbow, a beacon of hope. A belief that somewhere in the future lies our pot of gold.

If we were to get that snapshot of life in the future, know where that pot of gold will be and see what life looks like with it, will it make us more determined or hinder our travels? For example, will picking up the pace and not seeing all around us on the way make us fall down somewhere along the way and become spoilt and insensitive when we get there? Or simply just deliver the goods faster? I believe that the experience of having little will make the best of having lots. And it is with this that we can weather any storms later on in life.

In London, the sun rarely shines, but when it does, it does with all its glory. However this is not to suggest that the sun isn’t always shining. Behind them clouds there is a roaring sun, and it is only paper-thin clouds that stop us from seeing it. Why do we let an enemy that we could simply blow over mean so much in our lives? Why do they even matter? Because the sun is always shining we just have to believe, like God, like spirits just because we cannot see something it does not mean it isn’t there. What if we did see our future? Would it not just disappoint us and make us impatient, like the Christmas present we know we have but cannot touch. So we can predict all we want, we can aim for a future, but like I’ve said before, this journey knows of no destination, there is no set path that we know of, so we continue down this road until we decide to turn, if we decide to turn. And that cannot be properly predicted. Like the weatherman our fair weather friend, sometimes even the best can get it horribly wrong.

P.S. 20th post! Really flowing now!

Abra-Kadabra

They say that magic is nothing more than an optical allusion, its purpose to distract from the truth, that something very simple is being concealed as something very difficult and confusing. Magic is something that conjures a thousand questions from an audience. And if everyone around you is asking questions about you does that make you magical? If you are something very simple and plain, but to others you are complicated and layered are you a magician or just mysterious? And what is about the magic that is so intriguing? It’s got everyone talking but nobody ‘knowing.’ Magic is something beautiful that we can see on and off screen; something that has spark and reality, something that has character and individuality. And magic would not be magic if it wasn’t unique. So we have to ask, if life is one big magic show, against all the odds how do we pull the rabbit out of the empty hat?

For any show, the practicing element is the most important. Run-throughs take months, the scripts, the movements, the changes, and the lights. All these things must come together to surface as a professional piece. But in life we have very little practice. There are no run-throughs; there is no real stage. It seems that life is an improvisation; an actor’s worst nightmare, on the spot, centre stage, lights, camera, action. Or is it? Could life be scripted? Could it be nothing more than an international soap opera? The story lines are all fitting and sometimes things happen in such weird coincidence that we assume that there must be some pattern somewhere. I look up into the dark nights sky and wonder is it up there? Is destiny reality?

If in life there are only a few that succeed, we have to wonder, much like the audience, how they do it? Why is it that they are always those who least deserve it? This is what makes us believe that destiny is real, because despite their shortcomings and histories and problems, someone always comes along and solves them, in a minute. No. In a London minute. All the while the pain of ‘making it’ and eventually ‘faking it’ consumes others. I plead that someone, somewhere can help and someone somewhere will pull me out of this hat.

Sometimes all we need is a little encouragement, and little belief behind us. If you’re not the only one hoping you’ll make it, then the extra push won’t seem that hard at all. But what if you are alone? What if no one believes in you? What if you question the belief in yourself? Has the show come to an end?

Setbacks are hard to deal with, especially when so many come in so short a period of time. We can’t go around winning all the time even though it appears some people do. Some have the money, some have the glory, and some have all of it. But we don’t always see all of it. We see what they want us to see. And that is magic. The element of surprise, concealing reality. Ultimately; acting.

But it should not comfort us that other people have the same problems. Because that doesn’t make our own problems any smaller. Instead we should just deal with it. Break down if we need to, break up if we can’t go on. If you share how to do a certain magic trick then people spread the word, share it with their friends and on and on. So in life, if we stop concealing our feelings and just do what we have to to solve our problems then people will share the solution just like a trick.

Everybody knows there is no business like show business, but what everybody doesn’t know is that show business is the business we’re all in. On this dramatic stage we call life, people enter and exit, magic happens, tricks are shown, lives concealed, connections, characters and creativity is built. But as glamorous as it sounds, it is an ugly business. We don’t all win, we can’t hide forever and just like the paparazzi follow the stars, there will always be those who follow our lives with intrigue and pick at it along the way. Life may be scripted or not, we simply shouldn’t care because scripts change, whole scenes get erased and themes emerge from nowhere. And if there is no one encouraging you then let the other side of the tightrope be your encouragement. From experience I know that if you’re alone you manage to get there somehow. I said at the beginning that I didn’t believe there were rehearsals for life, but I take it back. This post has made me realise that rehearsals are everyday. Because yesterday we rehearsed for today and today we’re training for tomorrow, and there’s no guarantee it will come, but the show must go on.

Alla-Kazaam

6 Billion People, 6 Billion Problems

Despite being in one of the most socially active times of my life I’ve never felt more alone, the need to have someone to hold, to love, to need is overwhelming. And while love spills and overflows all around me I can’t help but feel half full and half empty. There are some turning points in life that are so noticeable and ground shattering that they are felt for miles and years but it seems that over the past years I have turned so many corners that I’ve ended up in a worse place than I started off. Where am I? What am I doing? And when will I realise that not searching for what is missing will take longer than doing so?

While dreams are being made and achieved all around, hopes are being accepted and people are overflowing with happiness I can’t seem to find the answer as to why I am unhappy. Is it jealousy; is it typical that while people seem to be succeeding and myself lagging behind my usual higher standards that I have become jealous of those that I once pitied? Is it possible that when taking the high road you will face a setback so great that those below will surpass you. Is it possible that on the road of life there is a high price to pay for speed, if it’s not a toll, it’s a speed fine. And there are some don’t make it all the way, and cause the whole motorway to slow down. It seems a simple concept; life. Just to stay healthy and carry on going, through thick and thin, and you’ll live a long and happy life. But in the reality there is substance, there is emotion, there are sins and hatred. There are people who envy and seek vengeance; there is murder and shock. Devastation.

Sometimes the tunnels don’t have light at the end, or at least it’s a long way off. But sometimes, it is these tunnels we have to experience to come out on top. Why is it so easy for some people? Why are they born popular and loved? Why are some people controversial and unaccepted in society? When did we start allowing normal to be defined? Why can’t the people around us be happy for us, communicate with us, build our confidence and strengthen their love? What have we done so wrong to deserve this? Where is our break, our freedom our junction? When life has been going 90mph for the last 5 years and we’ve got used to it, why does slowing down seem so depressing and how do we get back? And if we’ve broken down all together, who rescues us? In a car we have choices, the RAC, AA and the Police but in life who is there? What is the number for breakdown recovery? On the road, ultimately we are alone and we can’t always follow the same path, the cars are all different colours, from different places. Each unique.

But if you are awaiting recovery shouldn’t the lesson of this post and others be to make your own recovery? I think that while there are some times when we can recover ourselves there are also times where we cannot do nothing because we don’t have the knowledge or experience. Only we can judge what the problem is and whether we can deal with it on our own or to split it.

How do you make people realise who you really are? How do you break to them that you’ve changed? How do you bring it up in conversation? How do we lose all the restrictions and run, and run, and run?

Although it may not be any comfort to us, everyone is facing troubles. Our minds all consumed by some trouble, some issue. Some may be bigger than others but that is because we risked a lot more. The stakes were higher and the odds less guaranteed. But we are all betting on something. And while we’re sitting on the side of the road we should plan our recovery and wait for someone to help and one day we might be able to help them back. Because that’s the thing about life, we don’t always earn something immediately from the deeds we do, but some day it will mature and the reward will be greater than the cost of stopping.

Getting up

Sometimes we have to get away. We hate to accept the things we so badly want to change that we have to escape to get away from them. But is it escaping or just delaying? And will the escape make the problem much worse? It seems so. Sometimes we just don’t like the way something sounds. But by any other name would still be the same. Why is there always something? We are all acting, all playing on this stage of life, all hiding or concealing feelings or desires. We are all limiting ourselves. We all have troubles we cannot confess because saying them out loud will make it real. We all want to excel in life and move on the ladder to success but what if the ladder is on the floor, how do we get it up? I find myself wondering whether escaping is worth the hassle?

If we’ve come to end of all our roads, explored every avenue and found dead ends everywhere, and we know what we have to do to open the opportunities up but are too scared or too concerned to do so, how can we move on? How can we improve our future if we cannot prove who we are to ourselves? And if we are good on paper then why is it that in reality we have many troubles? There are so many who seem to be so happy with their ‘bad on paper’ lives. They seem to live trouble free and because their aims are much lower and easier to attain they are always satisfied with what they have. Is it possible that lowering your standards can improve your life? And if we lower our standards then what does the future hold?

It sounds like a lot of questions, but sometimes you just need a lot of answers. If we run from our troubles why does a bus hit us all the time? Is it possible to run and keep on running? I don’t feel that running should be an option, being brave and facing our troubles is not either though, or so it seems. If we do face the toughest challenge of our lives so far and get through it what will have changed? It seems that we’re certainly not scared to confess, but scared of the uncertainty of change. What guarantees can we get that nothing will change? None.

And there lies our trouble. If Tom chooses to admit, will Dick and Harry continue to be synonymous with him, or will the unbreakable break? If the unsinkable Titanic can sink, then it seems true that Tom, Dick and Harry will be separated. What does it take to open our eyes? Who are we fooling? Are we really all acting? Are we all having these and other troubles and cannot confess? And if so when is the interval? Because in a show as long as life, in a theatre like London we all need a break from the truth.

If it proves difficult to raise the ladder and no one is around to lend a hand, do we choose a different ladder? Is that the defining moment that makes us take off the mask and end the show? Or is it just life telling us to make a change, choose another ladder and break free?
And then, when you come back and all the troubles that followed you add to the existing ones at home, was it all worth it? Yes. Because even if we wanted to change our decision we can’t, its been and gone. Done. Face the music, and dance.

After all, if we are all acting and the world isn’t throwing us any lifelines then how can we not keep up the game. There are always excuses, workarounds, and blame to be placed elsewhere. And using these is the only lifelines we have. At least for now. Because we live in hope that all these bad times will end. And sometimes hope is worlds only lifeline.

The way we were

In London there are invisible limits. Despite being one of the financial centres of the world and considered a home of opportunities, to those who reside in it, it isn’t anything more than a homing ground. People around the world are constantly escaping, immigrating, moving. But to people in London there is no moving it seems the farthest we’d move would be to the edge of the city, but still could not move outside a stones throw from their beloved London. But what is it? Why do we complain about it everyday and yet could not be anywhere else? Why is it so hard to escape? And how did we get here? The British we’re once the world’s explorers, discovering handfuls of countries, building an empire and sharing our way of life with the world. We gave the world parliamentary systems, law and order, trade and many more ideologies. So why is it that the discoverers of the modern world find it so hard to even discover ourselves? It seems that Britain has lost its beliefs, its culture. Has becoming such a diverse country meant that we are unrecognisable? I look around today and find myself wondering should I stay or should I go now?

This will not be a politically correct post about immigration, more a metaphorical approach to the question ‘who am I’? Britain has a history like no other, a monarchy that stretches many millennia and has been ruled by most of Europe, but we all have histories, we all have the moments we’d rather forget, the times that we wish we could change and that other place we wish we would have been when we were at the wrong place at the wrong time. History is something we can’t outrun; it will always follow us but not always hinder us. We can change the perception of our history if we can change for the better for tomorrow. There are moments in British history like the years of slavery that bring shame to those who implemented it and stood by while it happened. But Britain has the pride of saying that it was wrong and today Britain is known as one of the first abolishers of slavery, although that doesn’t make it right how people were treated and those that died, it does show that Britain acknowledged what was wrong with the world and made it right. And today we see that decision all around us, whether Black, White, Asian or ‘other’ we walk among the same streets in our multicultural society. So my previous statement is wrong and like Britain I acknowledge it. Britain is not losing its identity, but gaining a new one as time moves on. Today you may be something that you wasn’t yesterday and may or may not be tomorrow. Our identity isn’t what we were yesterday but who we are today, and what we want to be tomorrow.

So is this happening around the world? Are there just the select few that make it out of their hometown and follow their dreams? Or are everyone’s dreams answered eventually? Is that possible? Is life such a great mechanism that we all get what we want in the end, in the west end the musicals tell us that we should chase our dreams and have a happy ending, but the stories of the east end are that of broken dreams and no prosperity. So is it a tale of two ends, or in life are the endings always the same?

Inside us all we have our own political ideas, our own opinions and our own beliefs, in our world and in our life’s we generally stand together despite our differences and although we don’t always like who we’re near we understand that we have to co-exist and that a little happiness along the way can make the road a lot smoother. There are some who turn this into an all out war, there are those wars that are cold, and there are those that are brutal and bloody. But although we fight we must all come together and believe that we are here for a reason and we might not know what it is yet but one day when we fulfil it we will know our work is done.

So escaping London, might not be all it’s cracked up to be, after all if we feel that attached to it then there must be something there. We can’t choose where were from, we can’t choose who we are, because who we are is not a physical thing, it cannot be touched, it can only be known. And although it cannot be touched, one person, in the deepest part of their heart, can feel it. And we must be thankful for our history because our history has got us here and as long as we learn the lessons of yesterday we can progress to the dreams of tomorrow. In life there are those special things that when around us make everything okay, in London these are the tube stations, the markets, the newspaper stands, the view from the bridge. These are the things that make us comfortable and these are the things that make us smile. Because life is like the city you’re from, and for the time being, despite its flaws, my life is fabulous.

Broken Fortunes

When things don’t go exactly as you believed they would you begin to understand the saying expect the unexpected. But why is it that things you completely expect to happen never do? Why is it what we expect escapes us? And that makes us believe that we should never expect anything, but that would just be dull. We never expect to win the lottery but there are people out there who win, therefore we have to expect something. And that’s the game of gambling, we can’t possibly know the outcome of life but we have a guess and hope it pays off. However, there are some very lucky few that with a little reputation behind them get everything they want. Is this something that will last forever or, will our time come, will we get everything? What is it about reputation that makes all the difference? If its true that any publicity is good publicity then why aren’t we all famous and fulfilling our dreams? Recently I’ve been wondering why does great public relations get us a great personal relationship?

It’s not often that I get to writing about relationships, but its not often that I get the chance. Why is it that when we think we’re close to winning the gold medal it slowly slips to silver? And even though we got ourselves a medal it doesn’t feel as good and it doesn’t taste as good as the real thing. When there is someone you like it seems the lesson has been learnt, never should you hold back with your feelings, restricting ourselves will never help us win, and we’ll probably never forgive ourselves. We cannot know what taking the other path would be like, we have to accept the path we are on and assume control, but are we ever in control?

If, like they say we have to expect the unexpected, how can we? Since the unexpected can’t be expected; we therefore we have no way of knowing. That is why despite what we know now we cannot assume we know about tomorrow. This week a psychic on Oxford Street offered to read my fortune and upon considering I came to the conclusion that even if this man knew what was in store for me, would it really benefit me to know? If I knew what was going to happen tomorrow would I care living today? The final nail for me was when he said ‘I don’t tell nothing bad.’ Because although we cannot want bad things to happen we have to understand that there will be times where we struggle and if there wasn’t none then this guy could not really know about tomorrow. And so I declined, because tomorrow is something I must work for today.

There are trials in life that we must all face, the devastating losses, the breakups and break downs, the cold winters and gloomy summers. There are days when we wake up to realise mountains that held high are crushed and fallen, there are days when structures indestructible become no more, the titanic, the twin towers, Lehman Brothers. Could any of these be expected? But this is life. Like a business cycle, like any cycle, there will be tough times, there will be tough decisions, companies will come and go, people may die and our feelings will be like the stock markets; falling and in decline. But there are glory days, there may be few, but these are the days of life. This is living.

You see, we can’t always expect the best, because it is not always available. We can love with all our heart and not be loved back. And PR can only be short term, celebrities don’t stay clean forever, they can’t. Everyone has his or her own inhibitions. They are on their highs while others are on their lows. The world holds a delicate balance of happiness. And if like me you’re on the wrong end of the cycle there are times to come. There are times of love to come. There are times of great glory, and if I’m just serving my harsh time in demise for the past couple of years, then the cycle must be close to an end and I can only hope that forever is a time of happiness, because happily ever after sounds good and I don’t need no psychic to tell me that.

Fall or Fool?

There comes a time when we look out the window and we notice that the world is changing around us. The clear blue skies are faded with clouds and dotted with rain, the green green trees will soon bare their skin and the winds change to chill. Yes, its been a year, and fall has arrived. But is there a clue in the name ‘fall’? Is it time for the great times of the summer to end? If the world changes around us then will it change us? Or do we decide our own fate? The question is is it time for fall or are we the fool of fall?

In a world where there are so many mysteries of the past, present and future we all question our ability to change. Do we step into the unknown? The mystery of the future. Do we stay on the same tracks? Do we live our life or liven up our life? Is it our choice? There are so many questions, so little answers when making the decision. Is it time to step into the unknown or carry on the path. We are sure that winter will follow autumn will follow summer will follow spring, but can we be as sure that the decisions we make are right? And how we will know if they’re wrong?

Sometimes there comes a day, maybe a week, maybe a month or even a year where we will experience some of the greatest moments of our lives, sometimes we will sense the opportunities to take, and we will know by pure coincidence or by pure faith that the decision we make is right. And sometimes that’s all we need. A little faith. There are those who don’t believe, they don’t feel our passion, they don’t feel our need, they don’t feel. And even if there is no one who feels, apart from you, then that is all you need.

Not to say that you won’t be tested along the way, if the doubts around you aren’t tests already. There are decisions to be made along the way, we can’t have an easy ride it just wouldn’t be an adventure without them. But we can smooth out the bumps and cushion the collisions. Friends, family and memories can spare us the hardship and push us, propel us from dream to reality.

With a new season comes a new change, the leaves may begin to fall, the temperature may fall but there is no need for life to fall. While the seasons may have changed and the view from the bridge may be completely the same it all looks so different, and that’s because even if we’re standing on exactly the same spot we are in a completely different place. Its amazing what a year can do, we can become something we never knew, reveal something that we always kept hidden or live the life we always liked the sound of. We can come closer to a dream or develop a new one. And if we’re reaching for the stars our head could surface the clouds, or surpass the sky.

Yes, the seasons are changing, the world is spinning, time is ticking, and all the while if we’re not moving then we’re standing still. And standing still in a moving world is like going backwards. If life is what happens while your busy making other plans then a fulfilled life is one with lots of plans, and change is what happens when you’re chasing them. The window may look different but mirror even more so. We can decide our fate if we try hard enough, and try we must because the day has come to tell us that life is too short.

For Tom.

Searching for the hero

Sometimes it takes a movie, a song or another person to remind you that after all life isn’t that bad. While there is always room for improvement and even though your worries are escalated we always have to think for the moment, live for the moment and make sure that we remember the moment. Each of us has a yearning and a desire to excel, and inside us all is the success we want, we just have to find a way of letting it out. Sometimes we have to take a risk, sometimes we have to shrug off the laughter because behind the laughter may be jealousy, and you may have some real talent. It excites us to have dreams, when we feel them on our minds we smile, we know that they may not ever happen, but just the chance makes us wonder all the more. And we all have an idol, someone we wish we were, someone we wish would come and save us. Just like the cartoons, just like the movies, there’s always a hero. And just because they may never come and save you from a burning building, they save you mentally and give your mind a cushion. Notice that not once have I asked a question. Because dreams are something that you just can’t question.

Its difficult I know, to know your dream is so far from reality. Its difficult I know, that people don’t always believe in you. And I know, also, how hard it is to see the people around you excel and wonder how lucky they are, and how lucky they were to be in the right place at the right time. We can’t however mull over this forever, because you’ll never change what’s been and gone. All you can do is steer yourself in the direction of the destiny you believe in. Sometimes you’ll come across people who hinder what you do, sometimes people will slow you down, but there is always a chance that someone will also send you rocketing. Occasionally people around you will question who you are. Sometimes they will be so intrigued in you that you won’t know how to answer. Sometimes you may lose yourself in the moment, but losing yourself is all part of finding out who you are. After all, you don’t know what you’ve got until you’ve lost it.

There are people who get their dreams, I don’t know how or why they are chosen, but they should count themselves very lucky. There are those who have everything but without their dreams have nothing. There are beautiful moments that we should never forget, chances that we should never give up and people we should never let go of. But it is not always our choice, sometimes the moments are ruined, sometimes the chances are pulled from the table and sometimes the people need to move on. We all have a future, we all have something we want and never are two people the same. Capturing the moment isn’t easy, in the movies it’s the dance in Dirty Dancing, its the choir in Sister Act, it’s the finale in High School Musical. So why isn’t it the same in real life?

Why do the movies always get it right in the end? In life is there ever a happy ending? Today if I asked you are you happy, there’s a chance you may say not totally, but if you knew that tomorrow were your last day, you’d look back throughout the whole of your life and know that inside while it may not be fulfilled, it was fun and you wouldn’t change it for the world. So this is the stuff dreams are made of. Maybe they were never meant to happen, maybe dreams should stay dreams, and maybe it’s the boat on the horizon we were never meant to catch.

But that’s no satisfactory ending. Because dreams do come true, just because you haven’t won the lottery and haven’t hit the big time it only means you haven’t yet. And who wants the lottery anyway, that would only be cheating. There are dreams out there for the taking, we can’t know when or where they may finally come true, but that’s the excitement. If there are heroes out there to save us then why are we still waiting? We have to remember that sometimes heroes are busy, sometimes heroes have dreams also, sometimes heroes have moments that they need to remember and sometimes but not often even heroes need saving; And that’s because heroes are me and you.

Swings and Roundabouts

In the clear summers night of mid July, when the stars were shining through and brightening up the London sky, and the moon in all its half glory echoed amongst them, I got to wondering (as normal) about life. How the choices we make may decide the very fate we are heading to. Are we suppressing ourselves by not creating opportunities? And are others suppressing us? If so, How do we confront these suppressions and excel? Can we break free? And if we do what knowledge do we have that we’ll be caught on the other side? If life is really just a set of swings and roundabouts, what changed? When did the swings and roundabouts we used to love as kids, in which we saw no danger, become dangerous? We have to wonder when did it all get so serious?

Remember the days in the playground, when you would be told to be careful or slow down, and all you wanted to do is go higher or faster. Is this where all the fun went? Did we start getting boring because we started listening? Undeniably, there were times when we should have listened and didn’t, but no doubt there were times when we listened, and wished we hadn’t. But when was it that other people’s judgments started being important. Sometimes we need to refocus our efforts. Sometimes we need to come to our own conclusions and find out for ourselves why it is we shouldn’t do ‘it’.

Decisions come more and more every year. And yet inside ourselves we are always facing one on our own. A difficult one. Something that maybe we can never fully answer. Maybe we can never fully decide. Some decisions mean losing too much, and it is these decision that pain us. Because even if our heart tells us the answer, our minds can’t face the music and swing. But why is it that when you decide to take one answer that the heart doesn’t believe in, it won’t give up until you pick the other. Why when your at a roundabout, and you’ve picked your destination, does the road become shut? Yes the other two routes may lead us there in the end, but on a longer journey, one of fears and tears. A journey where the baggage is light, not because you dropped it, but because it dropped you. Is it fair that such a small decision should change our lives so dramatically?

So what is getting us down? As a nation, a city? Is it really the money, the job, the friends, the relationship? Which of these is our real pain? It could be any one. Or maybe a mixture of them all. But all of these things make up who we are. Its what we do, what we buy, who we see, how we laugh. So basically its us. Are we just getting ourselves down. By not doing anything but think, are we thinking ourselves so deep that we will soon drown? Should we instead get out of the thought process and get into the action? Should we jump out of the net and into the ocean, we should.

Putting it off will just continue to hurt us. If our lives are boring, it is our own fault. We brought ourselves here, so we should take ourselves back again. When we were young, we cut our leg, grazed our arm, we fell down. And the tears may have come as an automatic reaction but what was the lead-time on our recovery? Minutes? Seconds even? We may have fell down in life but we got back up, we didn’t think about it, we didn’t make it something it wasn’t, we had no reason to. And why should we now? When we fall down, we should take as much time as we did when we were 6 recovering, wipe the tears, stick on a plaster and carry on. Because life is a load of swings and roundabouts, and they keep getting higher, and they keep getting faster. And that’s as serious as it should get.

Minding the gap

There are some buildings so monumental and historical you will recognise them in the blink of an eye. In London we have so many of the structures and when you see them everyday and week, you start to need to escape. If Big Ben is London’s signature building then what is London’s signature sound? The Tube? Everybody moving around and escaping the last station. As we all escape and the summer holiday season begins we reach the vital question. Whether to leave it all behind, the baggage, the friends; or to come back, to revisit the past and let it be in the future? “Are you travelling one-way or return?”

Departing is the excitement before the real excitement. It’s the anticipation and the questioning of what will be? In life we’re always departing for something new, another day at school, at work, another day at life. But why is it that departing in this sense is so different? Where does the excitement go? Is it because the same journey done repeatedly is so hard to believe in? Is it because the buildings we see are still there and nothing changes? Change is therefore the ultimate excitement in any journey. And if the journey is a result of change then we face the best journey of all.

There are those that worry they have missed their stop. There are those that worry if they’re even on the right tracks. But there are those that reassure themselves with fate. Those that say, “if it was important for me to get off there, I would have felt it.” What is it about fate that we search for? Is it an excuse for our own beliefs? When we feel something isn’t right why do we blame it on fate? Are we all scared of reality? Are we all scared of our own feelings? Why when we feel something is perfectly fine for others to do are we so scared to come out and accept we would as well?

What about arriving? Sometimes we are disappointed by what we see. The luxury we were promised is nothing more than a luxury reception. Is this what we all do? Are we putting on a brave face but inside are scared? When on our own we often say “ye I’m fine.” But are we really fine? Is it that we just don’t want to share our problems? Or is it that sharing them might make them real? What we all face is a trouble to ourselves but we must recognise that in each of our lives we all face troubles. We all have something to mull over. We all worry about something, because there is always something for everyone. But what we all do is just human. Because while there is always a problem for everyone, there also always lies an opportunity for everyone. It may not be evident, but when is it ever? We may have to dig to find it. But where there is negative, like the world itself balanced in magnetic fields, there is also positive to cancel out.

And then there’s the question of return. While we all would love to live in this fantasy holiday, on a dreamy island with endless sun. We can’t stay here forever. Eventually we have to return. Because often, even though we may have escaped, behind us London is coming to find us. Because home will always chase you everywhere you go. It won’t let go and in your heart neither will you. So one way may seem like a good idea but in the end will just end up being uneconomical. We are all on a journey ourselves. Each of us sent from somewhere only to return there when we pass on. And sometimes the journey is only short lived, but the memories live longer than the people left behind to pass them. This journey, much like the Waterloo and City line has very few stops but is short and very sweet.

Escaping can never be long term, because we hear our home calling, and our hearts groaning, despite the fun we may have. Returning is the breath of air that we taste, that vibe, the rush. And then we see the building, and although it may not have changed, we have. And that is life.

R.I.P. Ben Kinsella

Spare change

It’s a word that most people fear, they ebb on the edge of their seats worried by it and Monarchs for centuries have fought wars in order to stop it from occurring. Change. Nowadays world leaders and key political figures use it as a positive emblem of hope, a beacon of the future to aim towards, but which do we trust the former belief of retaining tradition and colouring inside the lines or forsaking all others to step into the unknown and activate change? When change is brought to the top of the agenda we worry, because it will have consequences. Good and bad. But are the latter consequences, in the long term, always bad? This week as the tides alter and the stars shift to the Cancer sign, all cancerians can expect change and then I began wondering is all change bad?

Sometimes because we fear it so much we let it mislead us and we avoid it so much that it ends up to our detriment. We destroy the person we are for others whom have changed on their own agenda and don’t plan on having you as tightly related to it any more. If we try to hold on, then the longer we do the more dangerous the drop may be. Does this mean that change is unstoppable? Once the wheels are in motion does this mean that that’s it?

But what if we do try to hold on and then realise that we should let go…What if they person you were holding onto won’t let you go? Are you being stretched ever more between change and tradition? And will you end up more hurt in the end? Moving on is difficult but sometimes we have to cut ourselves loose, because the relationship we have is unsustainable. On reflection though what caused the change? And why did it happen? Can you change who you are or just your circumstances?

The truth is people never change, circumstances do. Inside we are always the same person, with the same thoughts and the only thing new is the experiences. But people who appear to change for no reason are nothing more than experienced actors. However, people do change when their circumstances do. Smokers sometimes quit when they feel unhealthy. Criminals might transform after their punishment. But change is undoubtedly difficult. And getting it right even more so. But we still ask is there such thing as bad change?

When we purchase products in a store and we get change, we are often reluctant to accept its value. The small value means that we see it as bad as it replaces a note with annoying pennies. But this IS positive. When it comes to it we have just received money, no matter how small. So what about when we spend a large note on a small purchase? We get lots of change and feel good because we can see its value is high. So although when we get our small change and we see it as bad if we were to make many purchases and add it up to larger amounts of change we may even be able to swap it for new opportunities or in our example a note.

So if we see change as bad in the short term, often it is positive and large in the long term. Therefore it isn’t detrimental and bad change is nothing more than bad perception of good change.

After all, it happens every day, the weather we rely on so much, the traffic lights that go red right in front of us, and our emotions that differ so often that they are uncontrollable. It is the reason for every achievement we make, every time we fail, it is change leading us somewhere new, steering in another direction. But we mustn’t hold on to that which is failing before us, because new starts are easy to achieve only if old endings are pain-free.

So take to the road and escape your limitations because you are free. And new opportunities may not be apparent when letting go but will soon take form and will open new roads ahead of you, new options, options of change. And we must collect all change because it all adds up to movement, motivation and make over. It all adds up to new horizons, far and wide. Take a leap of faith and grasp the swing of change. Believe.

Happy Birthday Cancerians! 10th Post!

The monopoly of monogamy

When the tears are dry, the thoughts have stopped spinning your head in circles and the body feels the energy to live again do we choose to love again? Why does it seem so easy for others to proceed and you feel stuck in a love rut? What is it about getting into a relationship that seems so frightening? Is it the thought of playing the game in pairs hard to deal with? Is it the worry that the dice won’t roll in your favour? Is it the fact that in games there are always more losers than winners? So what are the odds? We cannot help but wonder regardless of the luck factor whether or not love is a losing game.

In a game there is always competition, sometimes the game is highly competitive in exchange for a prize or title, but often amongst friends the game is easy going and the winner gains nothing but winning. Or do they? Even in the small games we all feel that competitive edge. If we were to let down our guard for just a second someone will snap at an opportunity. So why, even between friends, are we so competitive? In relationships what is the game? Is the winner the one with better looks? Better job? More money? And what if there are three or more players? Who wins? Because if the winner is say the guy who gets the girl over another guy then there are two winners and one loser. And if friends can do this to each other can we assume there are no rules?

Around us there are all the types of love to be found. The new love that we never saw happening. The old love that never wore out. The unconditional love that we always return to and the love that in the back of our minds we always hoped for. What if we find it hard to tick any of these off of our own list? What if we haven’t found love yet? In the game if everyone is after the prize; who’s going to help the new player? What if no one is around to teach you to play? And what if your presence is unwelcome?

And what about your relationship with you? Can you enter the game of external relationships if you haven’t completed the game internally? And if you can is it healthy to be playing two games at the same time? What if you find the new love you’ve been playing for but miss the prize giving because you had to play your own game? Is it ridiculous to believe we can actually win; if new love never comes how can you achieve old love? Do you find yourself asking what is so wrong with me?

There are people out there that make us feel like there is something so wrong with ourselves, make you think that you are good at nothing. But the problem is perspective not prospective. If someone has better prospects don’t hinder yourself just by comparing from your perspective because there is something good about you that they feel competitive about. Think of it as monopoly they have Mayfair and you have Regent Street, but you have their other purple and they have your two greens. They seem to have more than you in value but do they in quantity? Regardless of game, whether real or friendly both players will have equal chances and neither will have an ‘upper hand.’ And while a winner may appear out of skill in reality it is nothing more than sheer luck.

In love, luck is everything. It is lucky to find the right person at the right time, lucky for you both to enjoy each others company, lucky for you to find love. Competition is natural, but love comes from collusion of competition, coming together to find similar goals rather than tearing down the very few rules to beat each other out. If love is new to you then the game is simple, like any game the more you play it the better you’ll get at it. Don’t worry about finishing your own game because that is a game that will never end until the very end. What we all need is a little perspective, a true look at who we are, because competition doesn’t end, love isn’t the only game we’re playing. We play with luck all day everyday; running across the road, walking home at night. Games; one and all.

While love like any game will always have its losers and may hurt those who risked a lot to play; like any game one day the risk might pay off. We all play the lottery regardless of the very little chance we have, but we do so in hope that one day we achieve the ultimate prize. Over our lifetimes we invest a lot into the prize and may even only win back what we invested. And there are those that win nothing but the experience of taking part. Love, much like the lottery may be a losing a game but we can only hope that with a little risk and a little hope that one day we might win the jackpot.

The one that got away?

When the weights of the world are off your shoulders and you start to feel the wind, problems will always arise. It’s a simple fact of life; that is, that life is never easy, nor will it ever be so. They say that ‘too often we are so preoccupied with the destination that we forget the journey.’ So often it is that while day dreaming our future we can misplace our present and find the world has passed by. But why does the future seem so distant? And why if our train falls off the rails does it seem impossible to get back on track? I find myself asking; Is it true that if our ship has already sailed, we cannot catch it up?

It is an everyday problem, we reach the platform and the doors are shutting. Do we risk all humiliation and bother running or do we accept defeat and wait? And what is it that makes us so mad that we missed it? Is it the opportunities that we may have missed or the frustration of having to wait? But in life will there ever be another train? What if you’ve missed the boat? Is there still a future?

As a result of customer service if we miss our method of transport then we can get on another one at a later time or be compensated for the journey. But if we miss our journey in life how are compensated? Do we simply have to deal with it? Is our compensation the thought that the reason we didn’t get on is because there is still unfinished business? In other words what if fate is telling us something; What if we never meant to get on in the first place?

So then, do we even bother catching it up? Is it worth chasing that that doesn’t want to be chased? Or is that all part of the test? By rejection we may well be on the path to acceptance. For rejection was and still is the beginning of all the large movements, the woman’s vote and the civil rights movement. And like the Nazi’s violent rejection of the Jews, someone will always stand in the way and force change on wrongdoing. And all of these things have made good out of bad. So is that the answer? To chase to your hearts content.

Each of us knows what it is that we want and that which we don’t, because in life it is the future that gives motivation for the present. Just don’t get so wound up in the future that the present becomes lost. In real life we cannot help but chase because what we want is always somewhere above what we have, so we can never truly catch our ship, we are merely lagging behind its shadow on the horizon. And though occasionally we may lose sight of it we know it’s heading because it is the same as our own. And the effort we put in determines the distance between our ship of dreams and our ship of reality.

And where does the journey end? We cannot say because on the way our journeys intertwine with those of others and our paths distorted evermore. But we must make the most of it all because although it is good to have an end to the journey, it is the journey that matters in the end.

Trouble at sea…

In the depths of hearts we know who we are. In the depths of our minds we know what we want to be. So which wins… Who we are or who we want to be? But why should this be such a public decision? Why are there so many questions? Why do other people care so much? And why when we have so many troubles in our own lives do we try to trouble other peoples?

When people become involved in your life and start to wonder more about you, you cannot help but be defensive, especially if they sail into unchartered territory and especially if your trust for them is still wavering offshore. However, sometimes, these people appear on our radar for all the right reasons, because their questions come so sudden and our answers are so unprepared they cannot help but stir emotions and these emotions may just let you know the truth. Like a war at sea, the Navy can prepare and prepare for attacks, but they are only as good as their weakest link. This implies that if we practice enough we can fake our answers, but even if we lie we feel the truth come up so far that even if it doesn’t make it out of our mouths, it will sit on the tongue.

So what if what we say is what we want? Is it right to be wrong? You know it doesn’t actually matter! Because we have only one life, we have only a certain amount days, months and years here, so if you want to be something; go on ahead. Because there is nothing better than being true to yourself. If you want to be you then there is no law, no moral wrong, in fact nothing that is against that. If you feel there is something you need to keep back, then that’s your choice, your decision and your prerogative. Just don’t feel the pressure of people.

People are nosey, people get involved, and people enter conversations for all the wrong reasons. They want to come out of it with something to tell other people when there is nothing that is anything of theirs to tell. Not unless you make it so. Follow your heart and your mind, be who you are and who you want to be. Why do we have to choose? There is no need if we can have both and we can. Because in life money is our only limit, we have all the time in the world, all the courage in the world and we dream for the world. So show the world you.

We can dream of what we want to be or we can step up and take action, and only by doing something can we make ‘who we want to be’ ‘who we are.’ Then we have we won the battle, the mist will clear, the fog will climb, the smoke will deteriorate and the sun will rise. The sails are up and the wind is blowing; advance.

Who you are is who You are.

Are we three or free?

William Wordsworth once wrote that ‘life is divided into three terms – that which was, which is and which will be.’ Three is such a hard number to predict, for the mathematicians who took years to understand the triangle, for the historians who are still trying to understand the pyramids and for astronomers who rely on the fallacy of three so much to understand the future. Whether it’s seeing three people you know on the way to work, the three drains that you can’t walk on or the group of three friends we’re a part of, we experience this difficult number daily and can’t escape it. But is a bad thing or good? In life, love and London is three a crowd?

For some of us we’ve always been stuck in the curse of three friends; the friendship triangle. It seems like an equilibrium that you can’t just escape. When you’re young, it doesn’t hurt so much, but when we grow up it’s constantly on our minds; like the white noise we can’t escape, the pain we can’t get rid of. We all have the concept of three in our lives; there are always two more people around us, two more people thinking about us, two more people on our side. But the friendship triangle is never an easy ride, for we slide in and out of each others triangles moving from one to the next in our lifetime, we may stay permanent in friendships for a long time, or move on with a speedy turnover. Maybe that’s the easy way out of the difficulty, to move through friendships at speed. But what if we can’t, or at least don’t want to move on. When its finally time for you to move triangles, the rust will make a tough ride to let go, so is it worth the ride for the fall? And where do we go, do we have to find the new triangle, do we get ‘recruited’ or is it an automated process?

The pain comes in threes also, first comes the fear, the wondering and the consumption of energy on worry and contemplation, second comes the tears, the loose and hurt, the floods and the feelings, the seething and shattered glass. Finally comes the emptiness, the hole in your gut, the space in your heart, the need to move on with the persistence to stay put.

Naturally, we all move on, we cannot all stay in the same place, be motivated by the same things and feel the same passions for everything. We all have our own lives to lead and cannot buckle on to someone else’s because if we do, when they shake us off the fall could be a long way down. So we have to let go sometimes even if letting go is the hardest thing to do, because right around the corner I promise something good is coming. And the pain will only hurt as long as you let it.

Three is a difficult number, emotional, periodical and painful. But three can also be the best times of your life. Three isn’t out to get you, it is just a cycle that has to happen, and through the experiences and rust we learn who we are. And who we are is the best knowledge of all, because then we know in our heart of hearts that what we was, that what is and that what we will be.

Inspire yourself

The changing of the seasons...

When the leaves shine through for the first time since October and the sun stays with us for longer and longer the time of new beginnings has arrived. The time of new life is upon us, the plants grow gently and sway in the light breeze the sky emits a lighter blue and in general the mood is light and airy, no cloudiness, no storms and no troubles. Yes, the spring brings new life in us all. However it seems this new life by the winter will deteriorate, expire and fall from the tree. We seem to change our moods like the seasons, but is it the moods we are changing? The leaf that grows back on the tree; is it a completely new person or just another new start? In life when we move on do we change who we are, or what we are?

There are times when we look at ourselves in the mirror and believe that we don’t even know who we are any more. The person who stares back at us has become something they never thought possible. We wonder have we lost our identity, have we changed for the worse, are our friends who our friends actually are? If we feel guilty then there probably is something wrong, someone we’ve hurt, someone we’ve lost on our way. What we really need is the changing of the seasons to lighten the mood. What we need is Spring.

We need it because it brings with it a new beginning to change us, to help us realise again who we are. But who are we? For scientist this is genetic, for priests its religious views, for Doctors it’s our health. And none of these are material things. So why do we judge so much on looks and styles? Is it because to ourselves, who we are is what we look like? No, honestly I’m not sure why we judge on looks, maybe it’s something we do to feel powerful and better about ourselves, and sometimes jealousy. But look into a mirror to find yourself and you don’t look at your clothes, you weren’t born a person with clothes so why would you. No, to find yourself you look into your eyes, deep into the windows of your mind to find out where you belong and what you believe, you do this because maybe, just maybe what we believe and ultimately who we are is pre-written for us in our genes, in our hearts and minds. And any attempt to change that will jus bring us back to where we belong because we know deep down that its wrong. I believe there is no way to recreate ourselves and end up happy, take Michael Jackson, he changed so much, but is he truly happy? That’s why change is so hard, because you have to like the change to accept it, and if you don’t then ultimately it may not be worth it at all.

So yes, we all follow the seasons with our moods. The summer brings the relaxation and the fun, the autumn brings the wind down and often the goodbyes, the winter brings the illnesses and the depression and spring like the cycle of water, like the bus route, it comes round again and brings us to the place we always want to be and be the person we always wanted to be, where the dreams have no limits, the future has no end, and the canvas though stained from the previous year, is clear enough to fill once more.

Happy Easter!

Pride and Prejudice.

While it’s true that we are all alone in this life, that we walk with one pair of feet and that our heart beats as one inside our chest, we cannot sometimes help loving someone for walking with their feet beside our own and for their heart beating in unison to the rhythm of ours. But finding that heart is a difficult process. First do we let our heart open so widely as to attract the wrong people and let it be hurt so fast? Or do we shut it and risk never letting people know while we watch them fade away; hurting us all the same? And second what are our circumstances? Are we ready? And if so will our lives let us have a relationship take it over? In the movies we always find that people drop their plans or journeys for the one they love. Isn’t it always the case that we have to lose something to gain a relationship? Isn’t it always the case that when we have a pocket full of sunshine our hands are always tied?

As I sit and watch peoples lives fall apart around me, I noticed what I have is so special and wonder why I deserve this joy, while just a couple of posts ago I was hurting inside and wondering what did I do to deserve this pain? It’s amazing what a little social life can do and also how seeing the truth can benefit all of us. You begin to notice the people who you thought were friends that you found out had other agendas and people who you once thought had other agendas become very good friends. But people come into your life for a reason and normally the bad people who enter your life give you an added little extra that they don’t know they’re giving you and you don’t know you’re receiving it until it hits you, and in my case hits you on the lips. When I met that ‘little extra’ I found I wasn’t that intrigued at all. But then when I found my feet in our friendship I took it a step further, you could say I developed an agenda but one to benefit us both. Our hearts began beating in sync.

I’ve never let my heart open as much as it has recently. Maybe there are people out there with the key to your heart or maybe just the confidence and the knowledge that you are wanted, that someone feels a closeness and need for you boosts your confidence and your aura to develop this newer you. People say you know when you’re in love, but I know this is not love, nor has anything before this been love, but this is a change from an introvert to an extrovert, this is just development, movement, a change of the winds. Change is hard to deal with, but what if the change is a good change? Normally when change is bad it affects you directly, but when change is good it boosts you and depletes others, they may resent you for it, even argue with you about it, but then change is bad for you again. Right? But why should feel bad for feeling good?

Love is something I can’t write about, because I don’t want to judge books by their covers. For I was once a book with an abnormal cover compared to those I was next to. But when someone comes along and finds a great novel behind that cover the others start to change, you become a bestseller and you find that while all the others have to put up with change hurting them, you are the same book you always were with the same cover and you are still selling out. So the reason we can’t grab our pocket full of sunshine is because we’re always putting up with change, so the be the person you are, excel in the places your heart believes in and understand yourself because then come rain or shine the sun is yours. Just don't punish the others books on the shelf with your success because they are holding you upright and the fall is along way down. And as for the movies, the books are always better anyway!

Be true to yourself.

Didn't we almost have it all?

In such a material world where women love their shoes and men their technology and while we spend, spend, spend; do we ever pause to think that maybe we’ve got enough? There are after all people out there barely surviving on a day-to-day basis. When we buy something new, something expensive we immediately feel guilty, a part of us feels empty, as does our bank account. So if we feel this doubt and ever so slight unhappiness have we overstepped the mark? In life is it possible to have it all and more?

For all of us merely surviving is not enough and like everyone around us when we move up the ladder we comfort to it and it becomes not enough. But what if we try to jump the ladder too fast? When we move fast paced everything becomes blurry and we may lose that what we dearly possess while we’re lost in the moment. It isn’t until we stop to pause that we notice what we’ve dropped, and then we have to move backwards in our steps. Is this what we’re all doing? By buying ourselves out of our league do we believe that it will bring us the happiness of a superior league and yet realise when we get there we’ve left that happiness behind?

What is having it all? Is there a general limit or is it personalised? Is it an amount in money and assets? Does it measure friendships? I believe that it is none of these things, because in life you can never have it all because yesterdays ‘All’ is different from today’s. What if one day you were a singer in a bar dreaming of the top, and the next you were talent spotted and had a multi million pound contract. Would you’re expectations be the same? In short, no. Because having it all is somewhere above where we are, but it will always stay above where we are.

Whitney Houston once asked ‘Didn’t we almost have it all?’ There are times when it feels so close that in our minds we really do have it all. But there is always room for improvement. Right? Whitney concludes that ‘you’ll never love that way again’ so is there a peak when you can get close and never get that close again? I think so because we can’t go on chasing all the time, we do give up once we do our best, there are comebacks but when do they ever last? So when you get close, give it your all because if the ‘ride’ is good enough it’ll be ‘worth the fall.’

‘All’ is a very broad term, it cannot be distinguished in real terms but we know deep inside when we’re close, the inner sense of happiness, the warmth, a smile, a laugh and whole load of good memories. But when we feel the doubt we felt in the beginning, it’s not us having all and more; it’s the loss of something we had on the way. But it all can phase out like the seasons, like the spring it’s a time to ascend, like the summer a time to shine and for the rest I wish you… ‘All’ the best!

Why are we so scared of recession?

We all invest our heart in different stock; friendship, love and dreams. We live in hope that it will grow and grow. But in reality what goes up must come down. In economics this is known as a recession, a downturn in the economy, a fierce environment for making money. What if we modelled life as an economy? They say sometimes in order to grow in the long term a recession isn’t that bad at all. It’s always going to happen so staving it off may worsen its damage and the period before a recession is known as a slowdown so won’t prolonging this downward spiral make it seem all the worse? We have to wonder in our lives can a recession help us grow?

There are people paid tens of thousands, possibly hundreds, to assess risks in investments but only an individual can evaluate his/her own risk and even then we can’t get all the facts. Make a risky investment of the heart like releasing your trust to someone else’s may or may not pay off. Will it make us profit and boost our stock or will it make a dramatic loss and set us off down the river with speedy currents into the path of a waterfall. But we all see red sometimes. In the recession we can’t think clearly, problems build and build and our mind runs round in circles while our value depreciates by the second. It is said that the government can get a country out of a recession by making investment. So is any investment wise? The truth is even if we got the smoothest outcome from our investment there will always be some small hiccup because things are always too good to be true. In financial terms, if we left our money in the bank and didn’t invest a penny we’d earn interest, but if we risked a little here and a little there then we may make profits on a scale that will send our balance soaring. And then you ask… Can I risk missing out?

Happiness is immaterial and…No… money cannot bring happiness, at least not in the long term because we adjust to money, you may get a pay rise but 6 months to a year down the line you will be complaining about it because as our tastes change so does our balance. But what if you earned a lot more happiness; will it eventually make you unhappy?

When we escape a recession because an investment finally pays off what changes? Is it a lighter mood, a change of appearance, or is it just the opportunity to start building your economy somewhere else all over again and leave the dead wood behind? What we do know is that when its all over, said and done we can reflect in a much cleaner mirror, we can see clearly the mistakes behind us and learn that in the future stock is a volatile thing.

If we learn from our mistakes then we have done something special, something that proves our point. We have received a life experience; been educated and can go forward into tomorrow without resenting yesterday, after all research shows that education gains a better wage. So from our recession no matter how big or small we find our stock begins to increase and we release a dividend from our heart to our mouths and smile.

Have a great day!

Starting the journey…

Recently the winter blues kicked me hard and I wondered about life, its purposes, its problems and ultimately its pressures. I considered the future, the past and what might have been the present if the past had changed. It led me to believe that life is journey full of turnings and diversions. A journey with traffic lights that stop you just when you thought you were getting somewhere, a red line along the side so you can never stop and get away just when you need to. And when you do something wrong you know you’ll never escape it, because one day soon the fine will come through the post and you’ll have to deal with it then at a larger cost than what not doing wrong would cost.

Yes… life is a journey and each journey different even if the destination is the same. Some go the fast route, some the slow. Some take the scenic route, some the back roads. And some don’t make it all the way. You see, it is way too difficult to simplify life and very simple to make life difficult. But our dream, our passion we can define as the one thing we want that in reality is difficult to have and in our minds much easier and much softer to attain. We all have a dream, a place we want to be, a career we want to acquire or maybe its just a person we want to love us back.

For me, my life, my dream, my journey feels rough and yet I’ve only just set off. I’m heading along a route with two destinations hoping to get a sign from someone to tell me which one to choose. Or otherwise, when I get to the crossroad I’m going to face a tough decision all on my own. But the road is rough for another reason; possibly this one more so but I don’t like to admit it. Friends, reputations and judgmental pressures cause us to be someone we’re not, and that can pain us more than anything. But what about if you’re judged as something you’re not and you start to wonder what if I am? Have you really lost your way? Once in a while we need to grab a map and set us back on track. Remind ourselves who we are.

The point is we don’t know exactly where we’re going, we don’t know how long it will take and we’re not too sure we’ll make it all the way. But we do know that the road is long and winding, the journey is often bumpy and when (and if) we arrive, it will all be worth it. The pains, the pressures and worries will all be over, and we can say… I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Welcome to my map.