Sometimes in life when you've reached the end of an era you look back and try to decipher what's changed. You can get caught up trying to see where it all went wrong. You find yourself lonely and worried that you may have lost people and even more worrying; that you drove them away. You question every little detail and as one part of your life prospers your social life diminishes and the weekend no longer becomes something to look forward to but instead just another day. How did you get here? What point did it start going wrong? And now were here what are the options?When you find that you've grown apart from people and developed yourself into someone that people stop liking and begin loathing you can't help but worry that you've changed for the worse. And even worse you didn't notice. For a long period I found myself battling to communicate with people. My phone fell silent, my worries began, and I questioned what was wrong with people. I should of asked 'what was wrong with me?'
There are always times, low points, where issues arise and you come out worse. You miss a grade and waste a year. You miss a year and waste a life. Your life. Panic develops and you start to call people, you start to need a fresh start, you begin building from the bottom up, and what you soon realise is that people have moved on. They never waited for you, and why should they. This road is long and winding and to stop, and help someone may be honourable, but sensible? They've reached a social paradise that you want to be in and you immediately try to become a part of it. You try to get your friendship back to how it used to be, the chats, the honesty, the reliance on eachother. What you always took for granted and one day went to lean on and found they weren't around to be leant on.
It's funny that a week can change everything. That a number, an age can suddenly make us see everything clearly. 20 years old with twenty-twenty vision. You realise the people that are there for you and you begin to understand that while you were lonely and seperated, there were always people there, willing to help, you just closed yourself off so much you never noticed the people keeping you up. And in one day, or at least one night all the worries go away.
In life there are many options, obstacles, open doors, and ongoing problems. But we can avoid these things affecting us, we have to accept that they will always be there, they will always rip out our hearts and stamp on our energy if we let them. It's easy to say 'stop letting it bother you' but when your as impatient as I am and you've been waiting and waiting at a crossroad of your life for over a year you can't help but enter a dark place. But patience is a virtue, and while it might not always get us where we need to be on time, it does get us there alot happier. And friendships help too. They can make the road smoother, they can guide us, and remind us of who we are. And sometimes it only takes a birthday card to remind us who we are, of a happier time. When problems were not our own.
It seems the older we get the wiser we are. I've learnt alot over the past year, and learnt everything I know now as a teenager. It scares me a little to think of what I don't know now and what I'll know in ten years time. But that's the journey we all have to take. I also learnt this, that we can get caught up looking back, trying to make things the way they were, trying to subtly make our way back in without being noticed. But you simply can't. The world is a fast moving place and I don't question it's speed for a second. But I do know that while you can't go back, you can get forward, and were not in the same place we were a year/ two years ago and we never will be again, but we had reached a new place. One for the future, one that I know will go a long way. Maybe even another 10 years.
Happy Birthday Me!
